I just need to vent on here since I don't really know where else I would want to put this and no one really seems to care too much on here. Whether you read this or not, it doesn't really matter to me. It just helps me to get things off my chest to go back to being my normal self.
A while back, my two college friends who I got really close to this past semester started dating. They've been going out for nearly a month and they're really cute together. They do all the stereotypical first couple things and they don't do it excessively around me (which makes me a happy person).
These things remind me of when Luke and I started to date, how he would do all of these nice things and we could spend hours just talking to each other. I'm not saying he doesn't do any nice things now but whenever I'm at college, our intimacy kind of just...stops. It doesn't go anywhere and it's just the same conversation day in and day out. I enjoy getting those moments to hear from him and to hear that his day is okay; I'm glad that he's at least doing something.
The annoying thing for me is just that...he doesn't think any part of his day is worthy of talking about. He doesn't bring up anything he learned in class or anything that really happens when he's at college. When he's home and I ask him what he's doing, he's doing "nothing". I take it to immediately mean he's playing a game because that's what he does but...I get worried that "nothing" might actually mean just that though. I worry about him a lot, sure, but when he starts to get bored, I can only offer so much that he'd probably be willing to do. =/
It's a lot easier when I'm home with him. We're able to hang out and do things together. I can get him off his butt and go on a hike or a walk but...he gets lazy. We always have to have something to do when we want to hang out and when we want to hang out, it's been at my place. I understand his circumstances at home but when we have nothing to do at my place that would interest him, I would want to go to his place so we can play games that he would enjoy.
Another thing that kind of bugs me is from my social media websites. Facebook and tumblr, I don't really receive any messages from friends that I have or have made. I'm normally the one sending them out and it's to check on them, to see how they are. If we are able to strike up a conversation, I'm ecstatic about it! Out of all there is on both websites though, I never really hold that long-lasting conversation and I sucked into this rut of day in, day out asking how people are. It gets tiring to the point where I don't care enough to do it anymore.
I'm trying to be nice and I'm trying to give options to chat but they get dashed. I understand people can get busy or are busy. We're drawing close to finals weeks for everyone and there is a lot to study and do. It just drives me crazy not being able to do much more. I'm a social person; I like talking to people about anything! If it's something they enjoy, I want to see and get to know more about it. I've been trying that with Luke but most of the things he cares about are games that I can't really keep up with or...care to play. By all means, he seems to be against Let's Players of any kind (except for Mark who plays PC games). But I try and it seems to go unnoticed.
I just like to make people happy and when I can't do that, I tend to feel really down in the dumps. I do what I can but when it isn't enough, I pity myself for not trying hard enough. There have been nights where I worry about Luke, about Dom, about friends at home, about friends who are at their colleges and I wonder if they're okay, if there's a way to try harder for them. I can only do so much as one human being but I want to make so many people happy and I know I can't. There are people in my life who I have to choose sides and if I choose the "wrong" side in their eyes, I've done wrong. I make it up to them as best I can, of course, but it gets daunting. It's like trying to choose between your two favorite meals and you just can't do it.
It's hard enough being a college student with your own personal worries about upcoming projects and essays and finals but it just sucks when I get pushed down with everything. I want to be okay and not worry as much as I do but I've been known to do nothing but worry. I'm just the worrywart and all I want is cuddles, snuggles and neck scratches.